All ye who dare enter – run away now! This post will not be pretty.
I don’t like being grumpy. It’s not the default “me”, but I’ve been just as grumpy as can be the last few weeks. We have hard FAR worse periods of time in our lives, where life-altering events have tossed us to and fro, and in the long run I have NOTHING to complain about right now, but the world just annoys me lately. I’ve become “get off my lawn” guy.
Mostly, I think I’m just sulking like a four year old because it looks like I’m not going to have my way.
I had been all bubbly with excitement, planning my 2009 Disney gathering with my parents and brothers and their families. Things at work were going better than I ever dreamed, with a job opportunity that would give me more money and recognition. The kids had the summer of their lives, and school would be even better.
Between the braces and dental work, the back-to-school expenses that get worse every year, and the car repairs that of course aren’t covered by warranty and now sit at $1200 and rising – well, let’s just say I’m a firm believer that God is trying to tell me something about the trip I was planning. I can still do it, but unless something changes, it’ll probably involve debt, and that’s hard to justify in these times.
And the job? I got through two interviews, one with the AVP over the department. I’m in, right? Well, those interviews were in late June. I haven’t heard a thing. The org charts say they haven’t filled the positions, but not hearing anything in all this time makes me think it isn’t the most pressing thing in the world to them.
This hurts, because I had mentally put myself in the job after the second interview. I have lived a charmed life, and I’ve NEVER interviewed for a job I didn’t get. And this job is with the “official” department for what I do. It would be an affirmation that I really do belong as a programmer. Plus, the project I’d be working on is very high profile, which is the kind of thing I love. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a huge ego, and I’m not pretty enough to put a 4-inch banner featuring myself on my blog.
So, I get my ego-stroked through work.
This one hurts, probably moreso because it’s just sitting out there in limbo.
And the thing that bothers me the most: I’m fat again.
I want to be very, very careful with this. I don’t want to invalidate anyone else’s view of weight and self, but I see others saying things about weight that just don’t apply to me.
I’ve had my doctor speak with me about it, and of course, I’ve noticed my pants sizes getting bigger and bigger. But it didn’t emotionally hit me until I went to pick Susie up to go to the studio the other day. I had to clean out the back seat, and what I saw appalled me.
Behind the passenger seat was a pile of fast food bags and containers that looked like it had accumulated for a family of four over the period of a year. But I had put those there alone, over the course of less than a month. And each bag represented meals that were probably twice the size a normal person would eat.
No, I have not gotten the way I am through the simple manifestation of my own biology. I know my heart, and looking at that pile of bags made me realize something I didn’t want to admit.
I have been sinfully gluttonous. I have been sinfully slothful.
I have turned to food to fill some kind of emotional need (no doubt, the “God-shaped hole” in my being). I eat to ease stress. I eat to celebrate. I eat to drown my sorrows. I seem to eat for every reason imaginable but sustenance.
And, my whole life, when things get this bad, I’ve been able to flip the switch and start eating right, and hop on the treadmill and lose the weight in a few months. I tried to do that this week. I walked a very reasonable two miles (I usually do three, running, when I’m in shape). The next day, my knee hurt so bad I could barely walk. It still hurts. Of course, to console my self for my depression about not being able to exercise properly like I’ve always done…
I had a big meal.
I am really feeling the years. Getting out of this quandary is going to perhaps be the one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. It isn’t easy anymore.
Depressed yet? Hang on, I’m not done. 🙂
My dog burned a big stripe in the back of my leg the other day with her leash. But, that was just physically painful. There are worse things.
Last night was the culmination of several months of work Lintilla and I have done for a fundraiser for the children’s ministries at church. We have a congregation of hundreds, and the church calendar was cleared so that our fundraiser (we put on our own game of Jeopardy) was the only thing going on.
After Wednesday dinner, everyone but 5 or six people went home. This event was heavily advertised. I’m trying not to make it all about me (although the personal feelings of rejection are tough, too), but I’m most upset because our children’s ministry is already low on the church “importance” food chain, and really has no funds to do the things it needs to do to grow. Last night, I held a fundraiser that didn’t raise ANY funds, so I feel awful for our children’s minister, who was counting on the raised money for important work.
So, yeah, I’m kind of pissy right now.
But I don’t want to end on a sour note – even in a bitch post, it just seems wrong. So, I’ll leave you with this. The band has been heading to the studio at least once a week, and I have to tell you, we’ve matured musically. I say that because we’ve resisted the temptation to add layer upon layer, track over track. We’ve kept each song to its simplest element, and what we’ve got so far sounds wonderful.
If it weren’t for my family, my wonderful friends in and out of the band, I don’t know what I’d do.
Things will get better, starting now.