The 1st Annual LMLP Awards

Sorry for the abbreviation, had to keep it safe for work.  One of my favorite movies of all time is “This Is Spinal Tap”.  It’s funny to everyone, but there are certain nuances that musicians really “get”. 

Anyway, there’s a great scene where Christopher Guest’s character is playing a piano, a beautiful melody.  He says he wrote the song in D minor, “the saddest of all keys”.  It sounds moving and deep and thoughtful.  Then, the narrator asks what the name of the song is, and Guest replies, “Lick My Love Pump”.

I thought it would be neat to host the first annual “Lick My Love Pump” Awards.  The awards would go to songs that, based on the music itself, seem thoughtful, poignant, and deep.  Songs that you hear the intro to, and you expect a piece about the Human condition, or heartbreak, or a political song.  But instead, the words themselves are rather stupid, or juvenile.  I thought for the first annual, we could list what I consider the greatest LMLP songs of all time.

Honorable Mention goes to anything by REM.  It’s only honorable mention, because their songs don’t quite reach the level of LMLP, but they drive me crazy nonetheless.  Micheal Stipe’s songs sound deep, but does anyone know what the heck they’re about?  They are what I call mood songs – they’re great for setting a mood; they paint a picture.  But there’s no story, no characters, no coherence, just pretty words strung together in a poetic fashion. 

Now that I’ve driven away half my readers ;), on with the countdown:

10. Still Of The Night – Whitesnake.  This song has the kind of opening that just gets my heart pumping.  You’d expect some anti-war song or something, instead, it’s just another song about sex with Tawny Kitaen.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

9. Unsent – Allanis Morisette.  What the heck was THAT?

8. Rebel Yell – Billy Idol.  What a great groove to start the song!  Then it devolves into she want mo’, mo’ mo.

7. Call Me – Blondie .  The drum roll.  The incredible minor key disco/rock groove.  This song had the makings of a classic.  But alas, it’s about a gigolo.  Debbie Harry does sing French in the bridge, though.

6. Baby, One More Time – Britney Spears .  This one might seem like a mystery to you.  Of course, you think, it’s Britney son, it’s GOT to be horrible!  But, as a songwriter, I can tell you, musically, this song is great.  Great groove, the hook is the kind of driving hook you can’t get out of your head, the chorus is solid.  But MAN, are the lyrics bad!

5. Poundcake – Van Halen – A classic for the intro alone.  Yet later, we’re treated to such classic lyrics as, “Shake it up, bake it up nice.  let me go!  I just love my baby’s poundcake”

4. Children Of The Sun – Billy Thorpe – This may be my favorite intro to a song, ever.  The phased drums, the techno synths, then that chicky-chicky guitar riff faded in.  But the rest of the song is about aliens, and downright silly.

3.  Black Betty – Ram Jam – This song has had somewhat of a resurgence lately, and you have to love a song that has guitar hits on the backbeat, but those are some of the worst lyrics ever written.

2. (Tie) Cold Hearted Snake – Paula Abdul – Somebody, believe it or not, gave this girl a recording contract.

2. (Tie) Sister Christian -Night Ranger – One of the first pop songs I ever learned on the piano.  GREAT 80’s video.  But she’s motorin! Those boys don’t want to play that way no more.

2 (Tie) More Than Words – Extreme – Yes, a three way tie for second!  The harmonies of this song are Beatle-esque, it is an absolutely beautiful song, but guess what the lyrics are about?  If you loved me, you’d sleep with me.

1. Love Gun – Kiss. There were so many Kiss songs to choose from.  I could do a whole countdown with their songs alone.  But, this one HAS to be number one.  Not only does it start in an appropriate minor key, sounding all poignant and everything, but after these horrible lyrics:

I really love you baby
I love what you’ve got
Let’s get together, we can get hot

The song recovers with what seem like much more thoughtful lyrics:

No more tomorrow, baby, time is today
Girl, I can make you feel, okay

[Chorus]
No place for hidin’ baby, no place to run

Then, it makes a turn into teenage boy land:

You pulled the trigger of my
Love gun (love gun), love gun

All with three-part harmony. LMLP indeed.

So, do what are your favorite LMLP songs.  Songs that sound beautiful and deep, but have ridiculous lyrics?

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Posted in Music. 12 Comments »

12 Responses to “The 1st Annual LMLP Awards”

  1. Paula Abdul News » Paula Abdul April 20, 2007 1:49 pm Says:

    […] night, she was figured outside Mr. Chow, surely to have some meal after the results show. …The 1st Annual LMLP Awards (Tie) Cold Hearted Snake – Paula Abdul – Somebody, believe it or not, gave this girl a recording […]

  2. Warrior Says:

    Torn between two classics “Lola” and “Rock On”.

  3. Barry Says:

    Pretty much anything by Duran Duran. Talk about judicious use of the Random Lyric Generator ™.

    Also maybe “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” or “Levon” by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. What the heck are those songs about, anyway?

  4. badbadivy Says:

    Damn, dude. I’m a complete idiot. I always thought “More than words” was about doing nice stuff for your SO, like bringing them roses and romantic shit like that. Now I’m depressed. 😉

  5. Slartibartfast Says:

    Here’s what wikipedia says about that song:

    The song itself asks the person to whom it is addressed to show love through “more than words.” Given its context as a song on Pornograffitti, a concept album about a decadent and corrupt society, it could be interpreted as a cynical plea for sex, though most listeners interpret it as being about emotional intimacy.

    BTW, Pornographitti is one of the greatest albums ever , IMHO

  6. Lynnster Says:

    Oh YEAH on “Children of the Sun”. Musically it’s such a great song and the opening riffs give me chills (and bring back excellent memories) every time. Lyrically, it’s dumb as a box of rocks.

    KISS – I love me some KISS, always have. But Paul & Gene are two of the most juvenile, immature lyricists ever. When it comes down to it, nearly EVERY song is like that. I think if you were to sit down and do a thorough review of the entire catalog, you’d find the much better (and much less immature and juvenile) lyrics are all Ace Frehley penned. I guess he had his LMLP moments but I think they were much fewer and far between than the Paul/Gene ones (which are, granted, the majority of the KISS catalog).

  7. Lynnster Says:

    (Matter of fact, I think I’ll go download “Children of the Sun” onto my new MP3 player right now.

    And veering off topic, but you and I never completed the ELO discussion over at KC’s I think – my fave songs on the Eldorado album are “Mister Kingdom” and “Boy Blue”.) 🙂

  8. Slartibartfast Says:

    Lynnster, my favorites are “Mister Kingdom”, “The Greenwood”, and “Eldorado”.

    But, it’s one of the few albums I really prefer to listen to beginning to end; all the songs seem to fit together so well, and I love the little segues between the songs.

  9. Slartibartfast Says:

    BTW, I probably should have said that although I think KISS’s lyrics are awful, they are still one of my favorite bands.

    I played “Destroyer” so much back in the day, I, er, destroyed it.

    Ace Frehley had such a unique style, even today I can tell when a guitarist grew up listening to him.

  10. Lynnster Says:

    I totally agree on Eldorado being best listened to from beginning to end – it really is only complete that way. I had a copy of Ole’ ELO long before I bought Eldorado – it was a “hits” album and I think it had “Boy Blue” and “Can’t Get It Out of My Head” on it – and even as young as I was (11 or 12 I think), when I got Eldorado I was like yes, this is perfect.

    And I am totally a lifelong KISS fan too – an ex of mine who is an awesome guitarist learned to play because of Ace – I stole my first copy of Destroyer from a little boy I was babysitting by talking him into trading with me for something else, heh. But lyrically they are just all 10 years old, hee.

  11. Rachel Says:

    How about Bohemian Rhapsody?

  12. Paul Nicholson Says:

    Bohemian Rhapsody has a great lyric. Not change-the-world-great, but they at least make a little sense.

    However, in the same marathon-song category, I’m nominating “I Would Do Anything For Love (but I won’t Do That)” by Meatloaf. Put it up there with “Baby, One More Time”…horribly repetitive, pedantic lyrics – but such a freakin’ awesome song musically and once it is in my head, it takes days to leave. I really want to hate this song but i just can’t.


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