Playin’ Leapfrog

This ought to be different.  This will also be the post that forever disqualifies me for the clergy (except, maybe in the Unitarian church).  To my pastor who hangs around here sometimes, cover your ears and say “La-La-La…”

I’m expecting a lot of views, and not many comments.  And that will be too bad.  I need your help.

I’m looking for a new euphamism for sex.

Oh, don’t sit there looking so shocked.  Any couple that has children understands the neccessity.  I mean, nobody’s going to say, “Little Jimmy, I need you to get ready for bed. Your mother and I would like to have sexual relations.”  Or, at least nobody I know.

To be honest, we had sexual euphamisms even before the children came along.  “Have Sex” seems so unromantic, but “Make Love” sounds so cheesy, coming from a dork like me.  I won’t go into all of them, because, after all, Lintilla reads here, and I already air enough of our personal stuff out there.  Most of them made absolutely no sense, but I guess that’s the purpose.

I CAN tell you that the latest, “Play Leapfrog” has outlived its usefulness.  That one started when the kids were preschoolers.  We were watching the Discovery Channel, and two Rhinos started, er, “it”.  Zaphod laughed and asked what they were doing.  We weren’t quite ready to go into “the talk”, in detail, right there and then, so Lintilla, being quick-witted said “They’re playing leapfrog”.  I gave her what must have been a priceless look, and a catch-phrase was born.

The kids are onto us.  So now things are getting more difficult, because we’ve given them a pretty extensive sex education.  And, as I have said before, once you know what sex is, the LAST thing you want to think about is your own parents having it. 🙂

I want to be clear:  I’m not looking for locker-room, between the guys, juvenile euphamisms (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).  “Shag”, “Mattress Dancing”, or anything like that.  Certainly not anything vulgar.

Believe it or not, I’m actually leaning toward the name of this blog.  It could work:

Dear?
Yes?
Isn’t it time we got the kids in bed?
Well, it’s Friday, they’re allowed to stay up late.
[Use the “I’m speaking in code” voice] I need to work on shooting the moose!
Didn’t we shoot the moose last week?
No, you’re thinking about February.
Well then, by all means, let’s shoot the moose.
KIDS! TIME FOR BED!

It could work. But I’m open to any other ideas. If you have one that works, and you’re not too shy, pass it along.

Hmm. Pass it along. No, that won’t work – reminds me of STD’s…

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11 Responses to “Playin’ Leapfrog”

  1. nm Says:

    You give your kids reasons when you send them to bed? You hippie liberal!

  2. Ginger Says:

    I worked with a dirty old man in the music business who used to say, “Hey, wanna go watch some color tv?”

  3. newscoma Says:

    I must say I have no idea, Slartibartfast.
    How about “Kids, get out. Mom and I are going to be reading for the next three hours?”
    Nah, that’s lame.
    I think saying shoot the moose is the best.

  4. Cathy Nitchey Says:

    Great blog, good job getting it all together 🙂

  5. Jay Says:

    You mean that’s not what Shoot the Moose meant all along?

  6. Slartibartfast Says:

    Jay,
    Oh, no! “Shoot the Moose” was the product of a drunken brainstorming session (which isn’t the best idea in the first place) with the members of the band I was in during the 80’s. We were trying to come up with album names (this was back when people still said the word “album”) Shoot The Moose was one of my contributions that evening – “Men Without FOreskin” was the other. After that night, the band never asked for my input when it came to naming songs or albums.

  7. Ford Prefect Says:

    How about…
    Washing the cat (no to locker room)
    Deciding on what color to paint the ceiling
    Digging for dust bunnies
    Wrapping Pennies
    Doing the budget
    Changing the sheets
    Replacing the grout
    prepairing for our anti-leather protest
    Inspecting the bed springs
    Counting our chickins before their hatched
    Flipping the mattress
    It’s Christmas and Santa can’t come if you don’t go to bed, right now!
    Easter bunny practice

    OK I’ll stop now and I’m sorry!
    (which by the way is NOT something you want to say in bed)

  8. sistasmiff Says:

    My friend calls it “Doing laundry.” As for us, with three kids and close quarters, it’s usually “Quick, hurry up” whenever. It never fails when that door is locked, somebody shows up saying “What are you doing?” They have radar, those kids.

    We don’t have a name for it. We’re dull.

  9. Slartibartfast Says:

    Sista, now I know why my parents were in such a rush to get us three boys to the movies on Saturdays.

  10. Nashville is Talking » Limp Lettuces Says:

    […] To my pastor who hangs around here sometimes, cover your ears and say “La-La-La…” […]

  11. malia Says:

    Our kids are still young enough that when inevitable knock on the door occurs we can deter them with Mommy and Daddy are “talking” right now. I know that someday we’re going to have to be a bit more discreet with our language. Right now, our conversations are wrought with sexual innuendo, name it and we can make it work for “sex”. I know, we’re so twelve!

    You’re probably going to have to come up with something complete inane like,

    “Lintilla, I saw a guy with red boots on today.” (Code: I want to have sex tonight.)

    “Really, Slarti? Why that’s fascinating!” (Code: Not tonight dear, I have a headache!)

    You know, something like that. Anything else is too obvious.


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