Man About The House: Whassup?

Welcome to my new series for men, Man About the House.  If you’ve just stumbled across this place, let me introduce myself.  I am Slartibartfast, King of all things domesticated.  I got this way, just like a super hero, by way of an experiment gone awry. Plus, my father was a genius, and worked out this wonderful system when I was a teenager where, if I helped around the house, I got use of his Olds 442 on the weekend.  That was a bitchin’ car, as we said in the day.  Once I got started cleaning, cooking, laundry and all that, I got to where I enjoyed doing those things, even during those times when I was grounded for what I did in that 442.

So, here I am today:  I cook, clean, do laundry, help with the kids.  But I’m no nancy-boy.  I watch NASCAR, have Titans season tickets (in the upper deck), love steak and taters and movies about war.  I dress like a slob.  I’m a tech geek and I love working on the lawn.  I love chainsaws and beautiful women.  Have I given enough masculine bonafides yet?

I only say these things because what I want to talk to you about today is this crazy notion (that’s been going on for quite a while) that chores inside the house are “woman’s work”.  Now, most of us would never say such a thing out loud these days, but let’s face it, not many of us are helping out around the house to the satisfaction of our significant others.  I think that many still believe that doing housework or cooking will make us sissies, or that it’s somehow beneath us.  I call BS.

Let’s go on a journey together.  What could it hurt?  Come back here and read each installment of Man About The House.  I’ll be the Kung-Fu master, you, my talented young apprentice.  I’ll be Yoda, you, the young Jedi in training.

Why?  There are several reasons.  It’ll improve your sex life dramatically.  I’m not kidding – I’ll lay out the case for this in a future installment.  Of course, an obvious reason is peace in the home.  Want to stop the harping, and “that sigh”?  (You know the one).  I can help you turn her from shrieking banshee or docile doormat into a woman who wants to please you (in every way).  AND, you can do it on your own terms, not because she nagged you into it.  I can give you that power.

Using my methods, housework will no longer be a pain in the butt; it’ll actually be enjoyable.  You’ll get to eat what you want to eat – every meal.  You’ll have your own time to unwind every day with nobody bothering you.  Here’s some other things we’ll cover:

You can clean the every room in the house but the bedrooms in the time it takes to listen to AC/DC’s Back in Black album.
Emeril’s got a point: screaming BAM! at your work is a great way to relieve tension.
There are few things on earth that make you go AAAWWWW like the smell and feel of warm laundry, fresh from the dryer.
You’ll discover that bread dough, after you’ve kneeded it for a while, feels strangely familiar.
You might even, if the Force is strong in you, achieve the Holy Grail of domestication: perfect southern fried chicken. Many are called. Few are chosen.

Don’t get me wrong.  When you complete your training, you won’t necessarily be the primary housekeeper and cook of the family (unless you want to be).  I realize that I am a freak of nature, but, like Spiderman, I’ve learned that with great power comes great responsibility. I want to help you achieve peace in your home, and return the word “mind-blowing” to your bedroom.

Still not convinced?  Think baking a cake is “woman’s work”, and building a gun rack is “man’s work”?  Let’s examine that.

Gun Rack: You get the plans from Workbench Magazine .  Cake: You get the recipe from Allrecipes.com .
Gun Rack: You go to Home Depot and get all the raw materials you don’t have. Cake: You go to Kroger and get all the raw materials you don’t have.
Gun Rack: You prepare by getting out all the tools you’ll need. Cake: The same.
Gun Rack: If it’s a European Gun rack, you make the necessary conversions from metric to English. Cake: If you want to make a bigger or smaller cake, you make conversions of all the measurements by whatever factor you choose.
Gun Rack: There’s a manly element of danger. After all, you’re using power tools. Cake: Want to see all the scars I have from cuts and burns?
Gun Rack: You beam with pride as you observe the product of your work. And it’s functional, too. Cake: You beam with pride when you see the perfectly formed, perfect textured cake you made. And, you let out a holler for joy when your finicky 10 year old says, “good cake, Dad!”

There is one difference though.  There’s a pretty good chance your wife/girlfriend isn’t going to give you “that look” after she’s looked over your gun rack, no matter how hard you worked.  The cake?  Well, I could tell you stories…

Whatta ya say?  Want to give it a shot?  See you next time.

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10 Responses to “Man About The House: Whassup?”

  1. Ginger Says:

    Slarti, is it ok if some of us ladies lurk here? This is very educational!

  2. Mack Says:

    Excuse me. If ANYONE is Yoda in this relationship, it’s me. Many things give your inexperience away. Why on Earth would it take you an entire ALBUM to clean the house, but not the bedrooms? Unless I miss my guess, I don’t see you living in some sprawling, antebellum mansion. You seem entirely too practical, and, um, thrifty. I have forgotten more practical housecleaning and managing techniques than you will ever know, good man. Eloise? She calls me for tips. The things I can do with a lemon and a little baking soda are legendary. Let me give you another example: You state there is nothing like the smell and feel of “warm” laundry. Any seasoned homemaker knows that while it is nice to bundle up laundry still warm from the dryer, it is a selfish act, and one that will no doubt cause permanent harm to your family’s well-being. This has to do with fabric retention and the garment’s overall structural integrity. This is rather advanced, when time permits I will walk you through some basic steps. For now, try to remember not to add fabric softeners to towels and wash-rags. This pre-historic practice diminishes their ability to wick water away from your body. Why would you do that to your kids, for heaven’s sake?

    As for baking, I’m amused that you consider the act of compiling items listed on the box, and heating them baking. That’s like saying buying a porno magazine and mimicking the actions therein is the same as making love. (though, there are some inherent advantages in both pursuits when it comes to “licking the bowl.”)

    Grocery shopping. This is where I really shine. When grocery store patrons cannot find an item they seek, they do not ask the employees for assistance, they page me. I patiently explain to them that it’s the outside perimeter of the store that they really want. Everything you need to provide a healthy, sensible meal is located there. The inside aisles are for the walking dead.

    The point is, you are only minimumly qualified to undertake a project like this on, for many reasons. Perhaps I will consider monitoring this site and helping you out when you make the inevitable mistake. I know, I know, it’s a self-less, way too generous act, but thats me, partner. I give till it hurts. If I sign on, your world will be a better place. The children of your village will sing songs about me.

    My agent will contact you.

  3. Slartibartfast Says:

    Mack, you kill me.

    I’m having to dumb things down a little – this is for beginners.

    And I have a 3600 square foot house. It’s not a mansion, but it DOES take me the 45 minutes to an hour or so to complete my kitchen, dining room, living room and family room – which just happens to be the length of Back in Black 🙂

  4. sistasmiff Says:

    Eloise? You mean Heloise?

  5. nm Says:

    He means he used to clean rooms at the Plaza.

  6. Ginger Says:

    Sista, lol…yeah, it’s Heloise, Mack. (Maybe the “H” is silent in Spanish). 😉

  7. Cleaning up the hutchmo way, or who the hell am i kidding.. « Salem’s Lots Says:

    […] subject arises because of the sudden plethora of housecleaning tips and sites springing up like so many irises. Is it spring, is it the extra sunlight that inspires us […]

  8. Randomness on a Sunday Night « GingerSnaps Says:

    […] was laundry day. I thought I had laundry down to a science until I read this and this at Slarti’s […]

  9. npvju Says:

    Good site!!!

  10. Erica Says:

    great blog. Good deal on the Olds you had!


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