I’ve been thinking a lot about wounds lately.  Not the physical kind, which either heal themselves or kill us, but wounds of the soul – the kind that will neither heal nor set us free through death.  They linger deep within us, hidden until some unknown trigger brings them to the surface, surprising even ourselves.

 I have many such wounds.

Some are silly, but the pain is still real: the 9th grade rejection and embarassment, which surfaces again decades later in a situation where there’s a lot of playful flirting going on amongst “everybody else”, bringing forth a Wormtongue-type demon, whispering “You are a loser.  You are altogether unlovable.”  It doesn’t matter that you’re happily married with loving children and a wide circle of friends.  That gangly 9th grade boy who was the only one who didn’t get paired off to go necking at little Susie Somebody’s party is still inside, and he knows nothing of such things.  But like I said, such wounds are as silly as they are real.

But I believe the most liberating force in the universe is forgiveness.  To be able to look your offender in the eye and say, “You hurt me.  And I forgive you”, and mean it.  To wrap your arms around him and once again call him Brother.  To do such a thing is glorious.  It frees you to look at your wound and say, “You no longer have power over me!  Begone!”  I have known this, and it is where I long to be with all of my wounds.

I’ve never been a big fan of the various gender and ethnic “studies” majors in college.  I know that the entry in the catalog uses words like “empowerment” and “liberation”.  But I judge them by their fruits.  The people I know who have been through these courses of study can quote every single wrong perpetrated on their “group”, chapter and verse.  They say they are empowered, but they sure do dwell on their powerlessness a whole lot.  There is no forgiveness, no moving on.  THIS is the opposite of where I want to be.

But now, I have a problem.  I have a rather recent wound that is quite problematic.  In my mind, “it”, is just that, it was just a bad event that happened, like a hurricane.  There is no one to forgive.  Well, that’s not totally true; I just don’t know who to forgive.  The decision that hurt me so was a corporate one, done behind closed doors, and I was informed of it by a close friend who was also a victim.  All I know is a hidden, secret cabal ripped my life apart.

Some who were hurt alongside me have moved on in their own way; they took themselves out of the situation.  There is no chance of an encounter with the offenders.  But, I worry, because in speaking with my co-victims, it’s obvious that the pain is still there.  They have only moved on physically. 

Recently, some who were not involved directly with “the incident” have made overtures to me and the others.  It appears there is a need for absolution.  I would love nothing better.  How great it would be to pull the wound out of its hiding place, slap the bastard two or or three times for good measure, then say goodbye.  How I long to be rid of it!

But I don’t know who to forgive.  I don’t know if “they” even seek forgiveness.  So I am trapped, just like in the Springsteen song:

Well, it seems like I’ve been playing your game way too long.
And it seems the game I’ve played has made you strong.
When the game is over, I won’t walk out a loser.
And someday I’ll walk out of here again. Someday I’ll walk out of here again.

But now I’m trapped.

6 Responses to “Wounds”

  1. Ginger Says:

    Wow, this really spoke to me. I can relate so much. Wow.

  2. newscoma Says:

    I’ve always been told to “give” these wounds away, but it’s hard when you A.) don’t know what your giving away and B.) Don’t know who to give it too.
    In understand your conundrum too well.

  3. hutchmo Says:

    how does one forgive ‘faceless’ corporate malfeasance/bad decisions/thoughtlessness? The downside of for-profit/capitalism is that individual needs are often sacrificed to feed the beast. ‘You’ (and i don’t mean literally you, Slarti) are not important unless your removal would mean less potential for profits. Now, I’m not saying that we should abandon capitalism or that it’s not better than anything else..I believe it is, but what you are describing is an offshoot of profit. Forgiving that is forgiving the coal mine owners for their near-slavery for many years of the people who actually went into the mines to pull out the stuff that made fortunes for the owners.

    It’s not fair, but I’m afraid it also gives us so much more.

  4. Ford Prefect Says:

    I’ve read this post twice now and I think you
    have hit the nail on the head, You and I have
    been going through all this together and trying
    to keep our church membership in place and –
    move on. But your right who do you forgive? Or
    do you take the path I’ve been taking and just
    ignore all the poop heads that brought this
    about and try and concentrate on others in an
    attempt to make new connections? I must admit
    I still have a hard time with the whole thing
    but I’m not ready to give up and go somewhere
    else. That’s like admiting defeat, and I really
    suck at that! I guess we just wait it out and
    see where God leads us. Untill then we’ll just
    keep doing what we are doing, amd minister in
    our own way. Hey, it’s been working so far.

    Hope to see a bunch of you at 23rd Saturday
    Night. I am Ford and I play bass
    (The guitar-not the fish)

  5. Shoot The Moose Band Stuff « Says:

    […] pain.  We are very close as a result of it, and very passionate because of it.  Yet, as I have written about before, there is a wound that lies deep within the “being” that is our band.  God may have […]

  6. Shoot The Moose Of The Good « Says:

    […] The Good May 30th, 2007 — Slartibartfast Refresh your memory.  Read this from this blog in […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: