Goody Two Shoes

I’m sure you’ve seen the meme that’s been making its way though the tubes. I first became aware of it at Sista’s Place. Although I’m not sure if I’ve been tagged (I haven’t clicked through each tagged person’s page yet), I was curious about where I fell on the “bad” scale.  Many posted their totals in the comments at Aunt B’s, and it came as no surprise to me that I don’t have much of a “history”.  Of course, it isn’t the definitive list of badness, but using Blogarita’s “fine” scale, my fine is…

 $130.50

(By the way, since peeing in a pool is the only .50 fine, I guess we know who not to go swimming with)

 Does it count that at one time or another I WANTED to do some of those things? 😉

This is a nice segue into another subject I’ve been wanting to address.  It has been suggested that my lack of experience before meeting my wife makes me pretty ignorant about the way women think.  I think the theory goes like this:  one “studies” women by, ahem, “being” with them.  My “study” is flawed because I have such a limited sample size.

 Of course, I reject the premise outright.  I’ve lived long enough to know that you may learn many things about a woman whilst doing the deed, but how her mind works is pretty far down the list.  If you want to know the mind of a woman (as well as is possible for a man), you have to talk to her (a lot), befriend her, oh and talk to her some more.

 But let’s forget sex.  What about dating?  Once again, my sample size is limited.  So, a man who had dated many, many women would have a greater understanding of how their minds work that I do, correct?  Maybe.  Let’s examine further.

The serial dater (let’s call him Don Juan), has a large sample size.  BUT, in order to accomplish this, Don, by neccessity, has to stick to a superficial study (say, an informal survey).  If he’s going to accomplish this massive study, he must move on to the next woman as soon as he can.  This sort of study is a mile wide and an inch deep.  I’m not exactly sure how much one can learn about the “minds of women” through such a study.

But what about me?  Sure, I’ve conducted a near 20 year “study”, but only of one woman.  How do I know that she is representative of female-dom as a whole?  Short answer:  I don’t.  However, I’ve conducted a simultaneous study with all the female friends I’ve had over the years.  A quick aside:  I’ve always, even before I was married, been one of those guys women wanted to befriend, but not get involved with romantically.  I don’t know why.  When I was single, it was a pretty miserable existence.  Having women want you around, but just not in “that way” is excrutiating to a man.  But, being the “safe” male friend has given me a lot more insight than the average dude.

Also, there’s this concerning my wife.  Don Juan cannot possibly know which aspects of a woman’s behavior are because she’s female, and which are due to other factors.  My wife does some things because she’s a first born, others because she’s adopted, others because she’s a Methodist, others because she’s been very hurt by men before.  It takes years of intimately knowing a woman to know the root causes of some of her actions.  Some are simply because she’s female.  Others have nothing to do with her femininity at all.  Don Juan simply doesn’t have the proper amount of time to account for extraneous factors.

I still insist that most women are so complex that men can’t possibly understand them, at least not in an empathetic way. ***FRANKNESS ALERT***.  I do know this: if a woman has something troubling on her mind, although she might physically be able to have sex, she probably won’t.  And even she does, she won’t really be “there”.   Lintilla and I have a joke we’ve been telling for years and years:
A prostitute says, “Hurry it up.  Time is money.”

A girlfriend says, “Slowly.  I want to savor every moment.”

A wife says, “Beige.  We’ll paint the ceiling beige.”

Ok, I’ve probably been pegged as a mysoginist.  In my defense, I first heard the joke from my (now) wife.  And it does reaveal a truism about women and sexuality, at least as far as I understand it.

Anyway, I will no longer apologise for sharing my understanding of the female mind.  We men only scratch the surface of understanding anyway.  No matter how much we men think we are experts, women will always reamain a mystery to us.  After almost 20 years, my wife is still fascinating to me.  My daughter, even more so.  I’m just thankful that they are so different from us men.  They compliment and complement us.

Now, back to the meme. I wonder how many commandments I’ll have to break to raise my score?

Update: I just realized that I’ve done something “bad” that Ivy has not: given money to a stripper.  (Lintilla, if you’re reading this, it was pre-“us”.  But, I’d put money in your G-strap, if you want me to 🙂 )

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6 Responses to “Goody Two Shoes”

  1. Lynnster Says:

    Oh, that’s so cute, really it’s adorable. I think I’ve only seen one other person whose was less than yours (Kat, I think).

    Don’t worry about the peeing in the pool thing, didn’t you see how many TONS of folks in Aunt B.’s comments had that? NiT is full of a lot of pool peers! (And I might have lied… no, actually, I think I overlooked that one the first glance. Heh heh.)

  2. Lynnster Says:

    (Um, I of course meant pool pee-ers. Although I guess we could all be pool peers too. Tho probably not if everyone’s peeing in the pool at the same time as no one will want to be around each other anywhere near water…)

  3. Busy Mom Says:

    Perhaps if you pee in 2 separate pools, then you can add another 50 cents and make a round figure.

  4. malia Says:

    $135.50
    I’m glad to know I’m not the only goody-two shoes out there! I included “in love with two people at the same”, ’cause when you’re in high school you certainly “think” that you’re in love whether or not that’s a truly accurate description! And I added “sex with best friend” because I truly do consider my husband to be my best friend.

  5. KC Says:

    I’m the biggest sheltered prude out there. I think I’m two steps away from being an anchorite.

    Anyway, Malia, I’m not sure if “sex with best friend” counts under the naughtiness side, because while I’ve only ever had sex with my best friend, I don’t think they intended for us to mean “our husbands.”

    I think they had some lesbian shower-scene action in mind with that question.

    As for the pool-peeing, weren’t we all small kids once? At least I fervently hope that everyone else’s pool peeing adventures were–like mine–more than 30 years ago.

  6. Slartibartfast Says:

    I think they had some lesbian shower-scene action in mind with that question.

    Now, you had to put that in your comment; X-Alt is scheduled to play the women’s prison this Saturday. 🙂


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