Dark Clouds

Dark Batman
Here in Nashville today, the sky is hanging low with dark clouds. Juxtoposed against the bare trees of January, it has a power over even the most forceful optimist. I am quite down today.

First thing this morning comes this. That’s never happened to me before; usually the first week is my biggest loss. I’m going to redouble my efforts.

Then, while doing the whole Saturday morning Microsoft Money thing, I discovered that my budgeting skills for this year so far are absolutely sucky. We are going backwards. I thought I had it under control, but now I have to dip into savings and find the “leaks” and find a way to plug them. I pride myself on my financial management skills, but I’ve screwed up so far this year. It’s really tough to let yourself and your family down like that.

Blog reading this morning hasn’t helped my funk. I found a charming piece at a site with a Hitchhiker’s Guide name, mocking my faith. How charming. How original. How clever. I am not one to run away from a level-headed discussion about my faith, but when I see someone mocking someone else about a deeply held belief, I feel that is the height of rudeness, and it makes me sad.

I AM really happy that newscoma is having such a good time. Being quite a bit more right of center than she, were I there, I’d probably just spend a lot of time gigling, and then she’d get mad at me. But I envy her; I am wholly cynical about government and media. It would be nice to have a “cause” to believe in again. Maybe one day I’ll post why, considering how bleeding-heart I am, I cannot embrace the Left. But I AM jealous of her excitement.

I still have a general unease about a comment directed at me yesterday at Aunt B’s, which basically wrote off any opinion I had about the nature of women, because my lack of, er, experience before my marriage means there is no way I could possibly understand anything about the fairer sex. It’s bothering me so much I’ll write a post about it later. My first reaction was anger, followed by, what else, introspection.

Then there’s a certain parental crunch I’m having. A great part of my weekend is spent cleaning, doing laundry, getting groceries, and generally doing all those things I didn’t have time for during the week, because of my weird hours and the fact that my kids seem to be constantly doing homework.

Anyway, Trillian today says to us, “We never do anything FUN on the weekend!” I can’t get angry, because she’s right. But the house HAS to be cleaned, we HAVE to have clean clothes, we HAVE to get food for the week. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know that my kids will only be this young for a little while. I feel so hard-pressed from all sides. When we focus on ‘fun’ with the kids, they can’t ever have any friends over because our house is such a mess. If we focus on ‘clean’, we become the no fun parents. Maybe Elizabeth at Career And Kids could give me a few pointers. I give up.

And, in this foul mood, I have to write a sermon. I’m preaching next week, and it’s hard to write words of faith, hope and love when one feels so gloomy. That’s only one of the reasons I’ve ignored The Hound of Heaven’s call to go into the ministry. I’ll run away until He causes a fish to swallow me. It WILL happen, eventually, if God truly wants me to full-time minister. But for now, my sinful heart reminds me that I’m only good at “preaching”, not “ministering”, and that I’m in a rotten mood so what does it matter anyway?

I could use…

something. Kind words, a stiff drink, a hug, something. I AM thankful that X-Alt is going to play a service at Cumberland Heights Rehab Center tomorrow. There is something about worshipping amongst people who really are at the end of the rope that puts my piddly problems in perspective.

Funny, I sound like Marvin, the depressed robot. Especially when I say that most of you will find this post such a downer that you’ll never come back. Irony.

I’ll be back to my usual, hyper-optimistic self tomorrow. Today, I wallow.

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8 Responses to “Dark Clouds”

  1. Lisa Says:

    It’s good to read people’s honest, sincere thoughts, even if they’re a tad depressing, and especially when they’re thoughts we’ve had ourselves. Just thought I’d say hi. I’ve been reading your blog since reading something about you on John H’s blog. Your words are encouraging to me, a fellow Christian, when I need to hear how other Christians make it through their day-to-day lives. I think you’ll do just fine finding some thoughtful, encouraging words for your sermon next week. I’m taking a break myself from the constant cleaning of the weekend & having very similar thoughts about it all. Though I sound more like your kids … “do I really have to do this? This isn’t any fun! Why did I get married & have kids when all I ever do is clean up after all of them?”

  2. Scoozaroo Says:

    Slart…
    I thought it might give you a help towards your sermon about an experience I had this week. I was sent to get a “suspicious” mole removed nad I was feeling pretty freaked out about it be cause the Dr. who sent me was so insistent that it be done soon. As I was waiting in the waiting room a lady came in who had deeloped an awful case of shingles and her face was really red and disfigured because of it. We struck up a conversation and I discovered (I think) why God wanted me there at that time…the lady was very lonely, her best friend had just passed away, her parents are in their 90’s and her children don’t live around her, so she had to drive herself even though she had been extremely ill. I listened to her story and told her that she really needed to be ina good church family and invited her to visit mine…she said she had just received a Bible for Christmas. I=The moral to my story is that I think when God gives us lemons he intends for us to make lemonade…right?

  3. Sista Smiff Says:

    I could write this post nearly every weekend,
    meaning, I totally get where you’re coming from on the whole fun factor. Totally.

  4. Career and Kids » Says:

    […] friend, Slartibartfast at Shoot The Moose, describes what may be a very common scenario in many households with kids and working parents, […]

  5. john h Says:

    Slarti – I think the reason you will create a great sermon is basically outlined in this post. You don’t talk down to others. You are kind, and you seem down. Shit is happening, and you feel a little out of control and you wish you knew how to handle it better, and you wish you had a snappy rejoinder to ‘that comment’. In other words, you are feeling the full tilt boogie of the human condition.

    Every stinking person in that audience, if they are honest with themselves, have much of the exact same feelings about their own situations. People who seem to have it together outwardly, often don’t when the curtain is pulled back.

    If they do have it together, they can take a break from the sermon, but you are speaking to ME right now, and I’m guessing the vast majority of folks in any room.

    My favorite blogs are the ones where people are honest about what they are going through. You’re there. Plus, you got a bitchin’ good band!

  6. newscoma Says:

    Thank you for your kind words. You realize that although we are different, I find myself hanging out at The Moose quite a bit.
    Once again, you made my day that people can just like each other, despite their differences.
    Thanks again.

  7. kage Says:

    hi Slartibartfast,

    firstly it is good to meet another fan of the h2g2… and also thanks for stopping by at my “charming” blog. i would truly have appreciated a comment that you felt hurt reading it.

    I had explicitly tried to indicate that I did not intend to insult or hurt anyone while airing what I thought. However, I know most people, especially those who think they believe, cannot stand it. let alone understand where I’m coming from.

    It saddens me to be seen as rude when I was only trying to illustrate an alternate point of view.

    I am also not against religion. I totally get it. I even understand how it can save people from despair and give them hope and courage to face the battles that life mercilessly presents. But, maybe assuming that my soul needs saving is a very rude presumption.

    For me, the “fun” in the conversation was not mocking anyone or their beliefs. No not at all. It was simply that I knew what the reaction was going to be.

    In my opinion God, in all His/Her glory, is way too big to be hurt or even remotely affected by anything we mortals say, think or feel about Him. If it doesn’t matter to Him, why should it matter to any of us?

  8. Wait Ten Minutes « Shoot The Moose Says:

    […] got to thinking about this particular weirdness of mine, because last night I got a comment on a months old post , from someone I was quite angry with when I wrote the post. By the way, the comment was quite […]


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