First thing this morning comes this. That’s never happened to me before; usually the first week is my biggest loss. I’m going to redouble my efforts.
Then, while doing the whole Saturday morning Microsoft Money thing, I discovered that my budgeting skills for this year so far are absolutely sucky. We are going backwards. I thought I had it under control, but now I have to dip into savings and find the “leaks” and find a way to plug them. I pride myself on my financial management skills, but I’ve screwed up so far this year. It’s really tough to let yourself and your family down like that.
Blog reading this morning hasn’t helped my funk. I found a charming piece at a site with a Hitchhiker’s Guide name, mocking my faith. How charming. How original. How clever. I am not one to run away from a level-headed discussion about my faith, but when I see someone mocking someone else about a deeply held belief, I feel that is the height of rudeness, and it makes me sad.
I AM really happy that newscoma is having such a good time. Being quite a bit more right of center than she, were I there, I’d probably just spend a lot of time gigling, and then she’d get mad at me. But I envy her; I am wholly cynical about government and media. It would be nice to have a “cause” to believe in again. Maybe one day I’ll post why, considering how bleeding-heart I am, I cannot embrace the Left. But I AM jealous of her excitement.
I still have a general unease about a comment directed at me yesterday at Aunt B’s, which basically wrote off any opinion I had about the nature of women, because my lack of, er, experience before my marriage means there is no way I could possibly understand anything about the fairer sex. It’s bothering me so much I’ll write a post about it later. My first reaction was anger, followed by, what else, introspection.
Then there’s a certain parental crunch I’m having. A great part of my weekend is spent cleaning, doing laundry, getting groceries, and generally doing all those things I didn’t have time for during the week, because of my weird hours and the fact that my kids seem to be constantly doing homework.
Anyway, Trillian today says to us, “We never do anything FUN on the weekend!” I can’t get angry, because she’s right. But the house HAS to be cleaned, we HAVE to have clean clothes, we HAVE to get food for the week. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I know that my kids will only be this young for a little while. I feel so hard-pressed from all sides. When we focus on ‘fun’ with the kids, they can’t ever have any friends over because our house is such a mess. If we focus on ‘clean’, we become the no fun parents. Maybe Elizabeth at Career And Kids could give me a few pointers. I give up.
And, in this foul mood, I have to write a sermon. I’m preaching next week, and it’s hard to write words of faith, hope and love when one feels so gloomy. That’s only one of the reasons I’ve ignored The Hound of Heaven’s call to go into the ministry. I’ll run away until He causes a fish to swallow me. It WILL happen, eventually, if God truly wants me to full-time minister. But for now, my sinful heart reminds me that I’m only good at “preaching”, not “ministering”, and that I’m in a rotten mood so what does it matter anyway?
I could use…
something. Kind words, a stiff drink, a hug, something. I AM thankful that X-Alt is going to play a service at Cumberland Heights Rehab Center tomorrow. There is something about worshipping amongst people who really are at the end of the rope that puts my piddly problems in perspective.
Funny, I sound like Marvin, the depressed robot. Especially when I say that most of you will find this post such a downer that you’ll never come back. Irony.
I’ll be back to my usual, hyper-optimistic self tomorrow. Today, I wallow.