To The Good

I get up this morning, and the very first things I see are this, and this .  I sometimes wonder why God gave me two or three extra helpings of empathy.  Sometimes, it sucks.  My feelings of well being are generally attached to those of others.  It pains me greatly to see anyone struggle.  It strikes me to the core when it happens to people I really care about.

I had been putting off writing this.  It was going to be a sermon, but I thought, “there’s not enough Joy in it for church”.  The same goes for a blog post.  So, these words sat dormant in the back of my mind, revising themselves, preparing for a moment when they would be set free.  I feel that right now is that time.

I want to talk to you about three couples.

I grew up just about as sheltered as is possible for a boy who had parents of limited means.  When I became a young man, my innocence, no doubt, was a source of humor for my more cynical and jaded friends.  The first jolt to my system, when I really started to question God and His judgement, came when a girl I was dating at the time confessed to me her greatest pain.

She had been working as a nanny for a couple.  The child she cared for had an unusual name: Yobi.  He was the most beautiful child she had ever seen, and she loved him almost as her own.  But fate took an unkind turn: he developed brain cancer.  This beautiful child withered and died at two years old.

My overloaded empathy kicked in.  This young lady and her pain was all I could think about for a while.  For the first time, I questioned God.  “What, Lord, is the point of this?“, I asked. “Are you helpless, or cruel?”.  Those were the only two options I could see.  I was having my first Job moment.

Job’s story is one that almost everyone knows.  Whether it is a literal recounting of events, or an allegory, one thing is clear: Job’s suffering is the benchmark of all suffering (save for Christ).  I’ve had friends encounter much suffering over the years, but never anything as acute as that of Job.  He lost all but his life.

We are often quite critical of Job’s “friends”, who did nothing to encourage him.  The mid chapters of Job are filled with words upon words by his friends, joining him in the pity party.  They wallow about as much as onlookers can.

But most of our scorn is saved for Job’s wife.  Most remember her advice to him: “Curse God and die”.  Thousands of years removed from this moment, comfortable in our churches and living rooms, we ridicule her advice.  We mentally reply to her, as Job did, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”.

It’s easy to forget that Job’s wife, at this point, was now destitute, all the children she had borne were dead, and her husband had become an invalid, writhing in pain.  She had been through more than any of us will ever see.  We, no doubt, would have a reaction closer to hers than that of her husband.  And, like all of us, she saw God through a straw.

God is eternal, omnipotent, omniscient.  We are temporal, know nothing of eternity, and have a myopia in our view of God.  Even on our best, most revelatory days, we can only see God through the eyes of mortals.  It is as if you were looking at me through a straw.  My head might be visible to you, but there’s no way you could see my arms flapping like a chicken.  We see just a tiny speck of the action; even if we are lucky enough to get a fleeting glance of God’s face, we do not possess the vision to see what the rest of him (of which there is no end) is doing.

Let’s get back to today.  I’d like you to meet Robert and Eunice.  55 years, they’ve spent side by side.  They finish each others sentences.  Their love is so deep, so profound; the kind of love that comes from a lifetime of shared experience.

But Robert is weary today.

You see, Eunice, the woman who stole his heart all those years ago, the mother of his children, his best friend – she had “gotten the cancer”.  They fought it for a while, but now the doctors have given up all hope.  Now, she is bedridden and withering away; everyone knows that it’s only a matter of time.

And Robert is weary.  Unless you’ve been through it, it is impossible to know the burden that must be borne when walking a dear loved on through the valley of the shadow of death.  Robert alternates prayers between, “Please, let me have her just one moment more”, and “Please, Lord, take her, she is in such pain; set her free”.  Along with this, he must attend to her day to day care, something he was never trained to do.  It is a cross that is more than he can bear.  How it weighs on him!

But, two times a week, someone comes into their home, and eases the burden, if only for a little while.  She attends to Eunice with a loving care, gets her clean, even lightens her mood with a joke or two and stories of the good old days.  She makes sure that Eunice is comfortable, and has the medicines she needs.  For just a little while, Robert can catch his breath, he can rest.  You and I cannot know the unimaginable heavy cross that Robert must bear; yet, a couple of times a week, for a little while, an angel arrives, takes the cross from his back, and carries it for him.  It is just enough to allow him to go on.

There are hundreds of Roberts and Eunices spread throughout our community.

If you know me, you’ve probably figured out that the angel of which I speak is my wife, Lintilla.  She is a hospice caregiver.  Most people, when they find out what she does, respond with something akin to “I couldn’t do that”.  I know I couldn’t.

I once asked her how she does it; why on earth did she choose to make her vocation, of all things, this?

She then asked me if I remembered, when we were young, the story she told had me about the young boy she had lost named Yobi.  She had watched him wither away, and saw how it devastated and tore apart Yobi’s parents.  She had been helpless.  There was nothing she could do.  That’s when she decided to go into nursing.  Then, she could do something.

And so she does.  And it occurred to me not long ago, that God had given me the answer to those angry questions I had asked Him so long ago when I learned about Yobi.  God was not the source of that young child dying; there is an Enemy.  But that Enemy is helpless when God takes all things, even evil things, and turns them to the good.  In this case, the immense pain of one yesterday was transformed into the vehicle for the easing of pain for many today.

Many times, it takes centuries; sometimes just a few short years.  We don’t know, we can’t know, what God is doing or how long it will take.  We only see Him through a straw, if we see Him at all.

But I know that all evils will be turned to the good in time.  I know it like I know the sun is shining although my eyes are closed.

Two Smells at the Park

I noticed something strange while jogging.  At Centennial Park, on the jogging path, there are two spots at opposite corners.  The first is on the side next to the lake, at the corner across from Centennial Medical Center and HCA.  This may be the worst smelling spot in the universe.  A putrid smell blows in off of Lake Watauga; Lord knows what makes it.  I’m sure that ducks, geese and pollution have something to do with it.  It’s gag-inducing, so I run harder through that corner.

 The other is at the exact opposite end of the trail, right in front of Hog Heaven.  The wonderful smell of slow roasting pork wafts toward the path.  This is combined with the smell of McDonald’s french fries from next door.  IT is absolutely heavenly.  This corner is why I don’t bring money with me on the jog.  In fact, I run pretty fast through this corner, too.  It’s almost torture.

These are the smells of lunch hour, when you’re trying to get in shape and the weather’s nice.

Binary Thinking

I’ve been on a real crusade lately against what I call binary thinking.  What I mean by binary thinking is that, when dealing with a set of issues that belong to a “movement”, one must accept them as a whole or reject them lock, stock and barrel.  Kleinheider has been beset with criticism from the right, mostly as the result of binary thinking on his view of the Iraq war.  We’ve seen arguments that schools are not capable of  teaching both ”the basics” and the arts – we must choose.  We’ve seen a witty, sarcastic argument that we must accept “feminism” (which is left undefined, so I assume we have to accept the whole movement – even the extremes), or acquiesce to wife beating, pay inequity, and general enslavement of the female gender.

What is with people lately?

Perhaps it’s the middle child in me, I don’t know.  Has the whole world divided into camps, and all issues must now be viewed through the prism of Camp myopia?

I protest.  Let’s be clear: I can have a personal distaste for feminine underarm hair, and still be against wife beating.  A properly run school can teach “the basics” AND the Arts, and do it well; my kids’ school does, why should we shortchange public school students?  One can disagree with “the war” and still be a conservative.  (Although ACK could help his case by dropping the pejoratives)

This is confusing:  I happen to agree with the president about immigration, therefore I disagree with most of the Republican party on the subject, so I am accused of not being a conservative (for AGREEING with a Republican president!) .  My  positions on abortion and the death penalty are so “nuanced”, I figure those stances manage to tick off 90% of the people in America.

I’m not saying everyone needs to be a moderate (I don’t consider myself one, for that matter),  I’m just wondering what has happened to critical thinking skills.

Dancing With The Stars – week 2

For the full recap of last night’s Dancing With The Stars, head over to Sharon Cobb’s place and read her recap.  We may not agree on politics very often, but we see eye to eye on dancing.  I’ll just add a few of my own quick impressions:

Billy Ray will go tonight.  He has made it quite clear he doesn’t want to be there.  He let it slip during his “profile” that he was doing the show because his kids wanted him to.  Then, after his (much better) performance, the first thing he said was “Can I go home now?”  Last year, Jerry Springer said the same thing many times, and it endeared him to the audience.  I doubt we’ll get the same effect toward Billy Ray Cyrus.  It’s a shame, too because Karina Smirnoff is obviously working very hard to keep on the show.

Laila Ali is my new favorite.    Surprisingly, she’s built like a real woman (not a waif, and not so muscular that her femininity is gone).  And she has such an easy grace; I believe she could win it all.

I really want to like Clyde Drexler, but he still looks very uncomfortable to me.  It should get very interesting when he does his first Latin dance.

The same goes for Paulina Porizkova.  Latin obviously isn’t her thing.  She’s so dang purty to look at, I wouldn’t mind if she stuck around, though.  But this IS a dancing show,though.

I really want to like Leeza Gibbons.  Her dance last night, though, was uninspired.  I’d like to see her stick around and see what she can do next week, though.

Shandi Finnessey will not last long.  The largely female audience is quite unkind to beauty queens, and although she has been better than others, one just gets the feeling that she’s not well liked by the greater audience. 

Apolo Anton Ohno and Ian Ziering are so good, it’s easy to take them for granted.  Kudos must be given to Ohno – he’s still actively competing in his sport, and has less overall time to rehearse for the show.

Joey Fatone.  Joey, Joey, Joey.  He can dance, no doubt about it.  But Sharon’s right, he’s quite full of himself.  I don’t think he’ll make it to the finals.  It’s a shame, too; I fell in love with his partner Kym Johnson last year when she partnered with Jerry Springer.  Her playful attitude helped carry him for many weeks.  But this year, she doesn’t have such a sympathetic partner.

I’ll say two things about Heather Mills: one, her dance might have been the best of the night, and two, the judges are treating her differently than they do the other contestants.  Normally, after a good Latin dance, Bruno will say something sexual, like “You were the Tramp of the Night” or some such silliness.  He did not do this with Mills.  To be honest, I don’t know if it’s because of her “British-ness”, the fact that she’s a “charity campaigner”, or the fact that she’s an amputee.  But it’s plain to see, they aren’t judging her by the same criteria.

That being said, I have to objectively say that she was spectacular last night.  She’s now officially a favorite.

John Ratzenberger will go far, just not to the finals.  He’s good, he’s not great.  But you have to cheer for the “old guy”, though.

Now, for a more in-depth analysis, y’all go over to Sharon’s place.

Paranoid

As you know, I’ve been growing my hair out since late last year.  My original intention was to grow a mullet, but as I’ve said before, every time I get an opportunity, I lost my nerve.   So, right now, I have collar-length disco hair.

Well, I get in to work this morning, and they’ve plastered the company dress/grooming policy all over my floor of the building.  Even though I’m still following the letter of the law (all it says about hair is that it should be groomed), I can’t help but be paranoid that it’s all about me.  Especially since I’ve started to grow the soul patch on my chin.

Of course, most likely, it’s just because it’s been unseasonably warm lately, and the females in the office have been strongly tempted to wear those near-flip-flops and spaghetti strap tops (both of them no-nos).

But then again, it could be about me.  If I announce in the next few days that my quest for long hair is over, you’ll know why.

God Of Wonders

Did anybody else happen to catch Planet Earth on Discovery last night ?  All I can say is THIS is what a nature show is supposed to be.  5 years in the making.  Narrated by Sigourney Weaver.  And some of the most stunning photography I’ve ever seen.

We watched it on Discovery HD Theater, and although I’ve become jaded toward HDTV after so much exposure to it, this show had my jaw dropping.  There were many firsts, such as a first time ever overhead view of a hunting dog / gazelle chase from beginning to end.  To see the strategy and teamwork employed by the dogs (and the gazelle, for that matter) in real time was just amazing.  The only thing missing was John Madden and the telestrator.

But it’s not just the stunning photography.  The producers have put an ingredient in this show that has been missing from about 99% of all nature shows (especially on PBS):

A sense of wonder.  It permeates the fabric of the show; it’s impossible not to get caught up in it.  I need that wonder.  I believe science needs that sense of wonder, too.

I HIGHLY recommend watching the next set on April 1st.  If you have HDTV, you won’t believe your eyes.  Even if you don’t, you’ll still come away having seen things you’ve never seen before.

A Few Photos From the Dillard’s Fashion Show

The kids graduated from manners class this past Saturday by participating in a fashion show at Dillard’s.  I’m working on video, but I’ve been incredibly busy and haven’t had time yet.  In the meantime, I give you photos:

Zaphod in his casual outfit (his native attire):

Trillian, looking hip and bored like a real model in her casual outfit:

Zaphod, looking dapper and uncomfortable in his suit:

Trillian, stunningly beautiful in her formal dress:

Trillian finally flashes a smile:

Almost Cut My Hair

Unbelievable. 

I’ve chickened out the last few times at the barber, when it came time to ask them to give me a mullet.  Not because I’m afraid of wearing one, but because I don’t want to feel like I’ve disappointed my barber.  I think that may be an estrogen-based emotion, but I’m sure I’ll get in trouble with someone for saying that.

Anyway, that has left me in no-man’s-land.  My hair is way too long for a corporate look, and too short for the rock star wannabe look.  Plus, it’s WAY too thick to grow real long (believe me, at my age, I’m thankful for this). 

So, I’m stuck here in the middle.  And my wife and I agreed last night that, hair wise, I look like this guy:

Youngn’s – ask your parents who this guy is.  Or ask sista, I’ll guarantee you she knows.

Here’s what’s weird:  I like it.  I may keep it this way for a while.  Some of you may think that having 70’s, feathered hair is worse than having a mullet.  But it’s not your hair.

I’m just thankful that while other men my age are applying Rogaine and Just For Men, instead I have this problem.  Christians have a concept that is similar to Karma.  Growing up, my older brother was good looking and popular, my younger brother had all the talent, and I was a geek. 

But, now I’m 42 and have so much thick hair, I don’t know what to do with it.  Sorry, my brothers.  It’s my time.

Hosta La Vista

Hosta La Vista

Originally uploaded by Slartibartfast1.

I’ve always wanted to say that, this time of year!

The Unblinking Mirror (Stuff Edition)

The interesting thing about being a moralist:  the minute you point to something in the world and say “This is wrong”, hordes of people line up, waiting for that day when they can gleefully point out the fact that you have failed to live up to your own morality.  Religious people know this all too well.  But it isn’t just a religious thing.  I think Al Gore has recently discovered this concept.  They may say that hypocrisy is the compliment that vice pays to virtue, but the sting is nevertheless strong – if you are the one who is falling short.

The cool thing about being a Christian, though, is that our failings actually validate our worldview.  We believe that man is incurably corrupted, and we prove it at every turn.  I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.  Being at home with my children this week of spring break has made me acutely aware of one of my biggest failings, and one of my biggest regrets.

After my home and all my possessions were destroyed by fire, I became acutely aware of the message that Jesus was teaching us in Matthew 6, verses 19-34.  Jesus says: “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”.

Jesus then goes on to tell us to quit worrying about “stuff”.

At the time, in prayer, I would repeat the “moth and rust” verse back to Jesus, reminding him jokingly that he forgot to add fire.  But, the important thing was, I not only understood the meaning of the passage, i felt it in my very soul.  We had lost everything, but we were OK.  God provided, just as He said He would.  I truly, for the first time, understood just how unimportant and temporal ”stuff” is.  I swore, I’d never look at it the same way again.

Here’s where it gets interesting.  I had always given this concept lip service.  Then, on that fateful day in July, 2002, God called my bluff.  He wiped the slate clean.  If I chose, i would no longer be slave to my “stuff”, because, well, I didn’t have any stuff anymore. 

Oh, we were insured.  But, here’s the thing: when we moved back into our house in January 2003, we had the perfect opportunity to live Matthew 6:19.  We had used the insurance money to replace exactly that which we needed (even that is relative).  We had all new furniture and appliances.  We had five days’ clothing for each of us.  We had rugs and decorations so our house almost looked like “a home”.  We had three (the big-screen HDTV, and two little bedroom TVs), surround sound, computers.  Everything brand new.  Certainly, this was enough. 

That’s what we told ourselves.  We swore, now that we had learned how unimportant stuff was, we wouldn’t clutter our house again with stuff we didn’t need.

I look around me this week, and I see just how wrong we were.  I’d swear we have more junk cluttering our house than we had before the fire.  It snuck up on us; it’s not like we went on some shopping spree and brought home tons of junk at one time.  We had said that God, ourselves, and what few possessions we started with were enough.  We believed it. 

We were lying.

To God, to others, to ourselves, I don’t know.  And I know we didn’t mean to lie – we truly believed this time would be different.  Yet, here we are; the folks from “Clean Sweep” would have a heyday with us.  It’s actually hard to keep the house clean when there just isn’t room to put all the stuff “we had to have”.

But I’m not worried about the practical side of things.  I’m worried about my soul, the soul of my wife, those of my children.  We are obviously broken.  We could say, “we’re turning over a new leaf, we’re going to get rid of all this stuff and just keep what we need to get by”, but, well we’ve been there, done that.  The slate will never be as clean as it was when we moved back into our house.

It’s just so insidious, this little voice that whispers to you while you’re in a store or online.  If only you had this, it whispers, you’d be happy.  Wait till such and such  sees that you’ve bought this! Won’t he be impressed!  It doesn’t matter that you know intellectually that what the voice is telling you is untrue.  Its seduction is stronger than any under-dressed temptress.

And then later, the voice mocks you as you’re trying to clean your overcluttered house, wondering to yourself why on earth you bought all this junk, and wondering where the happiness was you thought you’d have if only you possessed it. 

So, all I can do is pray that I one day can ignore the voice.  I could ask God to take away all my stuff and let me start over again, but I know how that story ends.  Jesus always stressed that the heart was more important that the deed, and now I know why.  I feel trapped within my own evil heart – and I know that even that feeling is of the Enemy, because no one who is in Christ is trapped.  I just don’t know how to let Him fix this.

So yeah, I’ve been in a rotten mood.  The Unblinking Mirror, if you have the courage to look into it, has a way of doing that to you.  The only consolation I have s that this whole thing reminds me of my second favorite episode of Mary Tyler Moore (the first being the “Chuckles the Clown” episode).

Ted has a heart attack.  He survives, but he has a whole new outlook on life. He stops to smell the roses, much to the consternation of his co-workers.  But his attitude finally rubs off on them.  When  the episode ends, they are all admiring a sunset.  But Ted asks them why they are wasting their time; he’s back to being the old Ted.

So am I.  And I hate it.