I seriously considered starting yet another blog, with the name “Music City Dads”, and the tagline “Because the Tennessean thinks we don’t count”. As you probably know, the Tennessean has recently started a blog for “Moms”, Music City Moms. It’s actually pretty well done, and addresses many things that I care about. In persusing the site, most of the topics discussed are not, in theory, female-specific. Of course, in practice is another story.
Almost simultaneously, Ivy and crew started Home-Ec 101 . I am drawn to this site, not only because it is well done and covers many topics I care about, but it has the (dare I say it?) politically correct name that doesn’t say to me “not welcome here”. Plus, it’s pretty darn funny.
But that’s not what I came here to talk to you about.
You see, I didn’t start Music City Dads, because I’m a little older, wiser, and less hotheaded. I’ve learned a fundamental truth that saves me much heartache:
If you’re going to be different, if you’re going to celebrate and revel in your difference, you can’t expect the world to conform to you.
I’m a man who loves cooking, housework, and child-rearing. Interestingly, whenever I say that, I have to add the caveat “but I’m not gay, and I still like sports”. Long about the time I hit puberty, I realized that I was “different”. This is important: I’m in a pretty extreme minority, and I can’t expect society to treat me like I’m not. I could get mad at Good Housekeeping for gearing their articles and advertising solely to women, but then again, why wouldn’t they? What percentage of men would be drawn to read Good Housekeeping? Less than 5, I’m sure. It wouldn’t make sense for them not to cater to 95% of their readership.
You can’t dye your hair to look like Fruit Stripe Gum, and then get mad when people notice, stare and whisper. You can’t go on a crusade as a journalist to get into a locker room of the opposite gender, and then get upset when you get in there and those athletes behave like sterotypical members of that gender. You can’t become part of a religion that celebrates “not being of this world”, and then get mad when “The World” doesn’t bow to your God.
Either you’re different, or you’re not. If you are, you have to realise that it’s going to get pretty lonely. And that’s OK. Even though it would be nice to hang out at Music City Moms (and I probably will), I can’t expect them to change their name just because I start coming around.
But if they need someone to write a Dad’s Corner, I’m right here…
March 6, 2007 at 7:24 am
Hey Slarti,
Thanks for the write-up. I hope you do feel welcome, even when we stray into feminine territory. Mostly though, it’s going to be about keeping it together around the house.
March 6, 2007 at 8:16 am
[...] today Slarti writes about how, even though he likes to do domestic things, he feels excluded from participating, as a [...]
March 6, 2007 at 8:18 am
I’m glad you like the site, you know you’re welcome. The biggest reason sites tend to cater to moms and not dads is not because a dad who likes housework and being involved in the kids is particularly rare- I used to work with several of those guys at ParentsConnect.
The thing is, women control the majority of the purchasing power and therefore drive ad sales. It used to be ads were aimed at men, they were the ones with the purchasing power. Then sometime in the 60s, maybe 70s, advertisers noticed women were doing the purchasing of most of the household items and the power has swayed.
Women might not have completely equal rights, but we do have the attention of advertisers. ::grins::
Like Heather said, even though we may stray into female territory, we’re still aimed at anyone who has to deal with housework.
March 6, 2007 at 8:47 am
[...] Slartibartfast, you’re being encouraged here by Aunt B. and I think you should do it. I think you would give a wonderful perspective on fatherhood, adoption and the fact that not everyone is the same, but we can all still get along. You’re a conservative, I’m not, but I always find food for thought at Shoot The Moose and that is of the good. [...]
March 6, 2007 at 9:08 am
I think you need to start some sort of class for men on how to get involved and help around the house so your wife doesn’t end up in the nuthouse. No joke.
March 6, 2007 at 10:57 am
Nobody puts Slarti in a corner.
March 6, 2007 at 11:33 am
[...] This post from Slartibartfast deserves all the eyeballs it can get: I’m a man who loves cooking, housework, and child-rearing. Interestingly, whenever I say that, I have to add the caveat “but I’m not gay, and I still like sports”. Long about the time I hit puberty, I realized that I was “different”. This is important: I’m in a pretty extreme minority, and I can’t expect society to treat me like I’m not. I could get mad at Good Housekeeping for gearing their articles and advertising solely to women, but then again, why wouldn’t they? What percentage of men would be drawn to read Good Housekeeping? Less than 5, I’m sure. It wouldn’t make sense for them not to cater to 95% of their readership. [...]
March 6, 2007 at 11:34 am
I’m married to a man who does housework, loves cooking and loves child-rearing (in theory). This has never made him less of a man in my eyes. And believe me, I have all the facts about just HOW much of a man he is…
Ivy said something about companies tailoring their marketing toward women because of decision-making and buying-power. That’s true to a degree, but as someone who worked for a long time in marketing I’d also like to throw something else in the mix. In fact, I may even blog about it later.
But one of the reasons for the popularity of Mommy blogs, women’s magazines, etc. as a marketing tool is that women are generally shown to be more responsive to fear-based marketing.
Pick up any woman’s magazine. Look for an article entitled “the 10 everyday household items that may kill you” or “what your doctor doesn’t tell you about the common cold” and you’ll find it.
Watch most commercials directed toward products traditionally used by women, and you’ll see the fear motivator clearly. (Our maxi pad doesn’t leak, our trashbags won’t break and spill trash on your floor, other mothers won’t laugh at your child’s dingy clothes.)
The “dad” marketing tool has traditionally been sex. You can’t make windex and detergent sexy, and any sexiness arising from trashbags is unseemly. So those products aren’t advertised that way. So “daddy” communities aren’t created as often, because who wants to advertise beer and Ford trucks in a housework venue?
It’s not that society thinks men like you are gay. It’s that society doesn’t know how to sell you something so they aren’t interested in your demographic so nothing gets created as a demotrap for ad dollars.
That’s all it is.
March 6, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Kat, that’s fascinating, especially this:
You can’t make windex and detergent sexy, and any sexiness arising from trashbags is unseemly.
Sista has pretty much convinced me to start a series on this blog, aimed at men, about the joys of domestication. One of my lines of thinking is to tell the men that, sometimes, helping with the housework can lead to sex. I know to say such a thing to my (let’s face it, mostly female) readership will seem like a terrible thing to say, but to a man, it will make perfect sense. And it’s true, too.
March 6, 2007 at 12:28 pm
uhmmm..did somebody say sex???
March 6, 2007 at 1:46 pm
My other half is almost OCD about cleaning. Actually, he *IS* OCD about cleaning and housework.
And since I am at the complete opposite end of the scale, you bet I find that sexy!
March 6, 2007 at 2:02 pm
That’s not a terrible thing to say! (the housework leading to sex comment) It’s only terrible if it’s done as a way to manipulate your spouse. But yes, some days there’s nothin’ sexier than when my husband cleans up the kitchen after dinner because that means I didn’t have to do it and I spent less time doing stuff around the house so I have more time (energy and desire) to do stuff in the bedroom.
March 6, 2007 at 2:19 pm
My husband would get sex 5 times a day if he’d make the slightest bit of effort in helping me out. That’s something that, going on 18 years of marriage, he’s never gotten: Show me you care by making an effort. Whether it’s pretending to be interested in my day or saying “Wow, that trashcan is full and needs to be emptied. I think I’ll do that right now” or “She fixed supper for us, therefore I can perhaps clean up the dishes so she doesn’t have to. That would be fair and might get me some nookie.” I keep thinking one of these days he’s going to get that, but, it hasn’t happened yet.
March 6, 2007 at 7:10 pm
You sound exactly like my husband. God bless you both.